Thoughts & Frustrations

Ok, so I once heard someone say they don't like blogs because blogs make it look like everyone's lives are perfect.....well, that could seem true because I think we all like to post about the fun stuff, the milestones, the accomplishments and the happy times. However, I had a day this week when things didn't seem so rosy!

It was just a typical morning-I was doing some housework and paying bills before going to work. I was also doing some year end totals for tax stuff. I about had a melt down when I totalled up what we paid out for medical expenses last year (health insurance premiums, doctor's bills, etc..) it was over $8,000! Neither one of us has a job that provides benefits, so we have been buying our own medical insurance for the past several years. We are a super healthy family too (knock on wood), so those are just mostly bare bones expenses. Anyway, I just had a melt down thinking that I HAVE to get a job that provides medical benefits, which means going back to work full-time. Now I should be working full-time anyway because Heaven knows we could use the extra money. Construction has been pretty much DEAD and we haven't had steady work in months. But going back to work full time is just something I dread. I hate being gone from home that much and it's really hard to juggle it all. But I know I can do it if that's what I need to do.

This same morning I fished a progress report out of Payton's backpack to reveal that he had two very low grades. That lead us to having to ground him and take away the rest of his basketball season (which is a punishment for me too because I LOVE watching him play so much). This doesn't seem like too big of a crisis, but this happens every so often with him and it doesn't seem he's learning! He does so well for a period of time, then he gets lazy and we have to bust him. It's just so stressful to me because I don't know how to get him to realize that grades are important! Sheesh! So, that added to my load.

Anyway, I started worrying and having a melt down over several things that morning........health insurance, full-time work, kids, money, the fact that we have been trying so hard to get pregnant and the thought of having to leave another baby with a sitter kills me.......no, that's not an announcement-I really don't know if I'm pregnant. But ya know, it was just one of those days.....everything seemed to be weighing down on me and it just seemed too much.

I knelt down and prayed to my Father in Heaven. I just asked for strength to be able to carry the load and do it without having frequent melt downs (in more eloquent words, of course!). Then the thought came to me........I thought of the Savior when he was suffering and bleeding from every pore in the garden of Gethsemmene (sp?). He asked His father to take the cup from him, yet also realized that the will of the Father had to be done regardless of what he wanted. And it hit me....if even the Savior of mankind had to suffer-which suffering was greater than any of us can comprehend-why should I think that I should not have to have suffering and trials myself? Yeah, I just decided that I need to (as Aunt Shawn would say) put on my big girl panties and toughen up. Sometimes life is hard, really hard, but that doesn't mean that we can't withstand. It doesn't mean that the Lord isn't aware of each of us and our struggles. It doesn't mean that He has forgotten about us or doesn't love us. I think it just means that He has to let us struggle and do our best to figure things out for ourselves sometimes. I know that He listens to and answers my prayers. But it's my job to accept those answers even if they aren't exactly what I want to hear. He is in charge and I need to let go and let God. It's easier said than done but I'm so grateful I have the knowledge that He loves me and will always provide somehow.

Yeah, days like that are tough, but as Dan always says, "Tough times make tough people." I just pray I'm tough enough!